Blind love is not the way to choose a spouse. Here are practical tools
for keeping your eyes wide open.??
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#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change
after
you're married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden
rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is
now,
don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You
actually can expect people to change after their married... for the
worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character,
personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure
you can live with these as they are now.??
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#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than
on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it
burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often
means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully
checked out this person's character? Here are four character traits to
definitely check for: Humility: Does this person believe that "doing
the
right thing" is more important than personal comfort? Kindness: Does
this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat
people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work?
Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's
going to do? Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy
life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more
like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I
like my child to turn out like him or her???
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#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a
woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more
often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish
tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs
of a woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be
loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's
life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality atteention.
This
is most apparent in Judaism's approach to s*xual intimacy. The Torah
obligates the husband to meet the s*xual needs of his wife. s*xual
intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented,
especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out,
"Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When
a
man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he
will
discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his
own need! s! ! and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things
happen.??
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#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life
goals and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with
another
person: chemistry and compatibility share common interests share common
life goal Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that
sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either
grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure
out
what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone
who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition
of a "soul mate." A soul matee is a goal mate -- two people who
ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore
share the same priorities, values and goals.??
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#5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved s*xually too
quickly. s*xual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a
big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of
important issues. s*xual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a
clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not
necessary
to take a "test drive"in order to find out if a couple is s*xually
compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are
intellectually
and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about s*xual
compatibility. Of all the studies done on divorce, s*xual
incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.??
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#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper
emotional
connection with this person. To evaluate whether you have a deeper
emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this
person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed
by
a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You
should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination,
etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she
emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her???
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#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I
feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself
and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good
about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel
this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need
to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person
will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions
openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of
feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to
control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be
on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's
a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A
suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for
their benefit.??
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#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the
table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought
up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way
to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work
together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably
arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you
resolve
your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never
be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way
for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you
can't
be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.??
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#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to
escape
from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single,
you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix
personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage
will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life,
take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel
better, and your future spouse will thank you.??
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#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a
triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone
or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A
person
who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well,
such
as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you
and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the
triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be
their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
"In the search for me, I discovered truth. In the search for truth, I
discovered love. In the search for love, I discovered God. And in God,
I have found everything."
Posted By: VICSKEYAS MOORE
Monday, March 27th 2006 at 10:06AM
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