The One (151 hits)

Hello all,

God has put it on my heart to share with you all somethings about our struggle as singles. I know that it is tough being lonely. Especially single females! For those who know me, you know that it is not too much that I will put up with in a relationship. You all also know that I have played BOO-BOO the fool a time or two, but from those experiences I have learned that I can not rely on myself to find the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. In undergrad, I really was not enthusiastic about marriage and having a family. I was pretty content with being alone, not having to worry about someone else was much easier, plus I wanted a career before marriage or a family. Deep down however, I longed for a mate. For those of you who are close to me, I know that you all referred to me as "Maxine Shaw" because that was how I rolled. I was only into a few guys and the few that I was into, well they hurt me. So to keep myself from experiencing anymore heartache, I just kinda played the field. Dealing with whoever I felt like and when I was done with them...I politely kicked them to the curb. I honestly thought that Love was not for me and that God really had to send me a sign from heaven above that would pimp slap me in the face! What I found was, that I really did not feel worthy of Love. So I hid my secret pain. Of course I was also not expecting the most devasting thing that occurred my Senior year in college and neither was I expecting the blessing that came out of it(My Pooh Bear!!!!). After this, I really did not think that I was worthy enough to even be on this planet. The only thing that really kept me going was Joshua, because at that point.....I had lost Faith in God! My self-esteem had hit an all time low and I really did not care about myself. I would not go to church, my mom even tried to get me to watch ministers on TV....it did not work. I went through counseling, because I wasn't sleeping at night. One night I had cried myself to sleep and then woke up early in the morning and began to talk to God. I asked Him why did he allow me to get hurt....I got ugly with God! I then had gotten into a very unhealthy relationship with a guy who did not care about me at all. This was the lowest I had ever been. I became tired of the state I was in and decided to break up with him. Shortly after the break up I found out that I was pregnant again.......I didn't know what to do. I had planned to have an abortion, but that did not work out. I went through the most drama I had ever gone through in my life with the guy and it caused me to go into labor at five months pregnant. In Feb 2004, I gave birth to a baby girl, but I almost lost my life. I had to have two blood transfusions and will be anemic for the rest of my life. A month and a day later, my baby girl passed. I realized at that moment that I was looking to everyone else around me for the Love that I had been searching for. The other thing I realized is that I had no business searching. The man, that God has for me will come for me, I just need to be sure that when he comes I am ready! The way to prepare for this is to focus on Faith, not anyone else(with the exception of my baby boy) but Faith. I have learned and I am still learning that true Love is not going to happen for me if I go searching for it and if I do not Love myself that there is no way I can really be sure if someone is giving Love unconditionally. Another thing that I think as sinlges that we are unable to seperate is Love and lust. A lot of times when s*x is involved, we tend to believe, espeacilly women, that this is the real thing and in actuality, it is lust. That is why I have taken a personal stand to go without having s*x for a while.....(I am shooting for marriage). I want a real relationship, which is something that we usually lack as young people. For those of us who are discouraged because it seems like everyone around us are getting married or engaged and you are probably sitting around wondering....'When is this going to happen for me?' You have to believe that God knows what He is doing. There is a class that I am taking at church and on Yesterday, we spoke about Faith. I learned that it is okay to question God, but when we tell ourselves that something is not going to happen for us, it is almost as if we are saying to God....I don't have Faith in you. When you try to work situations out on your own...it is just like you are saying, God I don't believe that you can work it out. Through the different experiences that I have had over the last few years, I have learned that when you lose Faith in God...you lose sight of who you are and what your purpose is in life. Therefore, I have decided to Love on my son as much as possible, Love on my family and friends as much as possible, and most inportantly to Love on myself as much as possible so that when God sends "THE ONE" I will be ready for Love and that I will truly be able to Love him unconditionally, because if I can not Love myself, it is impossible to Love anyone else!!!!! I hope what I have shared will Bless You All!

One Love,
Faith Posted By: VICSKEYAS MOORE
Monday, March 13th 2006 at 11:19AM
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