*This is an email sent my way and in no way reflects all of what I think and feel. I do not agree with all the content of this but felt some good topics are in this email to be discussed. Note that this person is not implying anything of a spiritual nature, but uses intellectualism, humanism etc. Of course all knowledge flows from God and it is up to us/choice to use as positive and negative.
I find this email intriguing and I feel this applies for Men as well as Women. Please feel free to let me know what You think*:
Tons of women do this one thing.
And it must leave them feeling awful...
I wonder if you do it too?
I'm talking about women who hide their true
feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire
for a closer relationship and for love.
Ever felt this way?
It's happens when you won't communicate directly
with a man about your feelings because you think you'll
"scare him away".
Unfortunately, you're right... it could scare him
away.
The way you talk to a man about a relationship
turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE
WITH A MAN.
I'll come back to this giant mistake in just a
quick second...
First, I'd like to talk about what I've seen in
the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING
story with you.
I've had women communicate their feelings with me
in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to
frustration, and I know what each one does to a man.
(and in a larger context, what communicating this
way does to any person in general - man or woman)
There's a pattern to the dating experiences that
I'd like to share.
THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS...
(let's pretend I'm the man in this story and you're the woman)
You and I meet. We both like each other.
(lucky me!)
Feelings develop for us both on several levels.
(physically, emotionally, socially)
You try to be "patient" and not express too many
feelings and what you want to play it cool.
We have a great "connection", but we never talk
about what we want in our future around dating,
a relationship or marriage.
Time goes by and things are great for us.
Eventually, you begin to see that you're not
getting what you want from me in the relationship.
You want more, but you're scared of talking to me
about it because you don't know where I'm at.
You're scared because I've talked to you about all
the bad experiences I've had with women in the past.
And sometimes I even make negative remarks about
women and their emotions.
You don't want to ruin the good things we have
going and rock the boat, but in the back of your
mind you know that you'll want to deal with the
negative emotions that are slowly but surely building
in your mind.
Then as I start to see us growing closer, I begin to
use my past issues to tell you that I'm not looking for
much more than what we have right now.
So you don't say anything to me directly to
communicate what's going on for you and your feelings.
And of course, being a normal guy, I don't say
anything either. (Of course, I'm a man!)
You become frustrated and confused that I'm not
acting how I used to act.
Things begin to change with the way I treat you.
I don't pay as much attention to you anymore.
I don't surprise you or bring you flowers anymore.
I'm tired everyday after work and just want to
watch tv when I get home.
I call you less frequently.
I don't initiate s*x as much anymore.
You even consider that I could be seeing someone else.
And after a few months - I've become distant.
So what happens next?
You decide you're not happy with where things are
and it's time to have a talk about where we're at.
But you're SCARED of expressing your feelings about
what you want, so you let things build up inside you
until you begin to let your frustrations with me show.
And to wrap the story up...
You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN...
You start a conversation about the relationship
and then you "let me have it"!
(you get upset and lose your cool with me)
All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreams
that you've been holding inside away from me all pour out
in one big emotional explosion...
This "Big Mistake" can take the form of arguing
and yelling, but not exclusively.
Sometimes it's just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.
It might include:
-Complaining about the current state of the relationship
-Talking about the things he does wrong with you
-Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing
-Becoming upset that he doesn't feel how you'd like him to feel
-Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments
But it always creates a lot of emotional tension
and "drama". Especially in the guys mind.
This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if
you want to get some positive result with him.
That tension that's created stays with him, and he
NEVER forgets it.
In his mind, he now thinks of you as "hysterical" and
full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in
your behavior, and it scares him.
Yep, I know it's not fair, but it's the man's weird
and twisted reality...
I've heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk
about this exact perception of a woman and how they
fear being with a woman who they think will make this
giant mistake.
Yeah, I know... it's inmature, selfish and not fair of
the man, but it's the reality of the situation that lots
of women end up in with men.
So how do you avoid this....?
I'll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.
Step 1) You Need To Understand What's Going On Inside The
Mind Of Your Man....
Let me tell it to you straight, as a man...
Women secretly believe that their connection with
a man will "naturally" turn into something deeper without
any communication taking place.
Kind of like it's the unspoken truth about what's
going on.
Honestly... this isn't how it works for us men.
If you're "assuming" you have a relationship,
and that he feels like you do, you're wrong.
Men don't assume that a connection, being together,
spending quality time and all the rest means they're
in a committed relationship.
Some men do, but not most.
For a man to know he's in a committed relationship,
and understand the things YOU want in that relationship,
YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.
Yeah, that's right... You have to put yourself out
there and be vulnerable.
Scary!
But I hear lots of women think that other women are
just lucky to have found such a great guy.
And while there are some men who are more equipped
and ready for a healthy situation with a woman, it's NOT
luck that women in great relationships have found a way
to communicate with their guy.
That's right, they've taken time to find the right
information and to learn to integrate a certain way of
communicating into their thinking and behavior.
It's not easy, but there's help.
Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make
"The Big Mistake"
EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first. It's
basic human nature.
But being able to delay your gratification is an
AMAZING thing to develop in your life.
(in every part of your life!)
Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk,
talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.
The root of this problem basically boils down to
needs that are unmet.
So making "The Big Mistake" is really all about
being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely
focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be,
without honestly and critically considering the man's
perspective, his emotional state, his commuication
skills and where he's coming from at the same time.
When you do this with a man, you are subconsciously
telling him that you're more interested in your feelings
and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what
he wants.
And men can read and pick up on women who do
this instantly.
I see a form of this "Big Mistake" communication
all the time in business by the way.
Some business professionals are the worst at this
self-absorbed "need" oriented communication.
Like when someone calls me who wants to get something
from me or sell me something and they're not very
experienced or polished at it.
The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda...
and it instantly puts me on the defensive.
But if they've done their "homework" on me and what I'm
looking for, and not what THEY WANT from me, when they
talk it changes the whole situation the second they show
me they've thought about what I want.
It's very simple but extremely powerful.
So let's take this concept directly back to communicating
with men.
It might sound cliche', but you've got to learn to listen
and understand where's he's at and where's he's coming from.
This cliche' is a around for a reason.
It works.
Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps
towards creating the relationship you dream about.
But you've got to be careful to not become the woman who
gives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on.
Use your common sense and intuition to safeguard
yourself - I know that your female perceptive abilities
aren't used nearly enough, so put these strong tools to
good use.
Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake
Let me give you a vital piece of information
when dealing with men....
Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying
the things that are "obvious" to women in dating
and relationships.
I would know. It's taken me ten years to begin
to understand these things for myself - and I
spend a LOT of time thinking about it.
Sorry though, I'm "spoken for"...
(Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!)
Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you.
So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and
participating in conversations about deep emotions
and relationships.
Sorry to break the bad news, but it's almost
always up to you to make this communication happen.
It's important to remember to approach the entire
conversation from the perspective of talking about
what you want AND what he wants.
If you can make a guy feel like you put his
feelings and needs a priority in this conversation,
and always consider what he wants, I promise he will
LOVE YOU for it!
There's no rule that says you can't consider
another persons opinions and feelings first in
order to get what you want.
In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let
the other person talk first.
When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have
the advantage. You know exactly what the other person
wants... and knowledge is influence and power.
I'm not saying you need to take on hard-core
negotiating here with a man, but some of the same
rules and principles about people and psychology apply.
When you talk to a man from a positive place
of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more
receptive to what you have to say and what you want
once you bring it up than if you approach him from a
place of feeling hurt, communicate need and projecting
fear and anxiety.
Try this instead.
Ask a positive question or give a positive
statement such as, "Honey, I was thinking today
that I was happy to be with you."
It might sound submissive, corny or
difficult to say to someone you're having a
tough time with, but think about it...
If you're going through all the trouble to
worry so much about the future with this person,
this is already what you're thinking.
Posted By: WILLIAM W. HEMMANS III
Thursday, February 23rd 2006 at 2:20PM
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