When I was five years old, I saw my mother cry for the first time. The tears she shed was for a husband and father who was somewhere on the road, not caring about my mother nor myself. At five, I learned to dry hers tears, at five, I learned that when I put my small arms around her she would sometimes smile. For a while I became the man of the house, always reassuring her, telling her things would be ok. Still it was not long before I became a part of her frustrations and the sounding board for her anger. I watched helplessly as my mother sank deeper and deeper into depression and into a lifetime of mental illness. These changing emotions confused me. I went from feeling love to understanding what a sense of loneliness felt like. My mother was unable to take this confusion away as she herself struggled to love me and deal with an illness which forever affected our relationship with each other.
Today, I am man with a mother who still struggles with mental illness, and a man with a father I have never known. I have seen the character of my father in other men in my family. This character typifies an absent father, absent physically, emotionally and mentally from his family and responsibilities. I have also witnessed the tears of so many women who are frustrated and hurt, mostly because of unwarranted struggles caused by absent men. The emotions come from a place where there has been emotional and/or physical abuse, and also because they struggle in innumerable ways and situations.
These personal and indirect experiences have developed an intrigue and a strong desire within me to understand relationships between men and women. Understanding our roles will help to sustain a relationship from courtship through marriage. Most importantly however, are the wisdom and insights gathered from working in the Mental Health field with adolescents and adults, coupled with my relationship with my mother and father. This wisdom has lead me to the conclusion that the only source or solution if read, studied, applied, maintained and believed is “Gods” word and “His” Bible. There are many illustrations in the Bible that shows firstly how Men should treat women. Understanding and applying these premises can only help to repair what has become the greatest threat to family life in the world.
The Man is told in Ephesians 5:25-33, that he should be willing to do all he can to Love his wife and be willing to die for her if need be as “Christ” died for the Church. The man must Love the woman as he loves himself. Love is not one-sided as in “What she (the woman) should do for me (the man)”. Instead the scripture strongly encourages the man to be the ‘Lead’ in love; “I (the Man) am the lead because the love emanates from me”. The more I love the woman as the scripture says I should, the easier it will be for that woman to love me equally. This Scripture never states for her to Love me but for me to Love her. We Love "God" because we were Loved first by "God". This Scripture also states that She will have (not should have) reverence
for me, the male, if I am doing my job of loving her with every being of my body and soul. Remember Love is
1Corinthians13:4 through the first part of verse 8. If I am doing all I can in Loving that woman, she is giving back what I am giving to her enhanced. This is a reciprocal relationship, the primary example of give and take.
All too often, some preachers and others exalt a doctrine that in most part is unfair to the Woman. She (the Woman) is expected submissively take abuse and keep on praying, ignoring the common sense that "God" gave to each and everyone of us, allowing us to make sound judgments and decisions for our lives. It is not "God’s" wish for anyone to stay in an abusive relationship, especially if the man is: cheating, being physically or mentally abusive, an alcoholic, not taking care of home, on drugs or any other destructive behavior. These wrongs are in the same context as Adultery. Many Spiritual Leaders mean well but sometimes advice wrongly.
If the woman were committing the same offenses against a man, in many cases he would be encouraged to seek a divorce.
Another area in which improvement is needed is in the display of affections. “Did you (Men) know that not being romantic is a negative against the husband?” In the Bible, in1 Corinthians 7:2-5, the husband is told not to defraud his wife. Unfortunately as men, we do not always do what we are supposed to do, and we take the woman for granted after we have won her over. The woman deserves more than just Mothers day
and an Anniversary. The woman’s day should be everyday. When your child or children have a birthday, it should be the person’s day that carried that child risking her life for nine months in her body and to her body/health.
On looking at where the breakdown in family life occurred, we need not go any farther than the book of Genesis. In short, the first Man Adam blamed his wife for his demise instead of accepting responsibility. A book that elaborates on this is "Fire in the Belly". This book states that the majority of Men are boys because mostly everything we do is based on getting the girl instead of growing more mature in many different areas. We as Men have been raised this way with far too many of us not are willing to outgrow the shells that limit us. These shells are our experiences through society, family and sometimes the church, in essence causing us to pass the blame for obvious failings in ourselves.
The Bible does not mean for women to follow us (Men) at all costs or that we always have the final say so. The Bible in the context of relationships is a duality/partnership. A fifty/fifty relationship based on long-term not short.
I am only able to write within the confines of this article. I can write and say much more (a whole book). I welcome your feedback and comments.
The author of this article spent twelve years in the foster system. He is an ex-army Sergeant a Motivational Speaker, and Writer. Surpassing his goals for a Bachelor of Science degree in Political Science/Psychology he is now working toward a combined Masters in Psychology and a JD/MBA Degree. He has worked extensively in the Mental Health Field, and his passion continues to be one of repairing the brokenness in families.
Posted By: WILLIAM W. HEMMANS III
Wednesday, August 17th 2005 at 3:48PM
You can also
click
here to view all posts by this author...
