A Girl I Loved

I have a confession, I betrayed my best friend. I knew my bestfriend for eight years. When I first met her at Kmart when I was 15, I wanted to apply for a position there. Later on we met again, and it was through her brother. Her brother went to my school, but I didn't know they were related. When his sister and I started to get to know each other, I began to show interest in her. She had a boyfriend so we couldn't be, but she continued to lead me on by going to ROTC ball with me and meeting at track meets. Well our friendship developed during the years. she use to confide in me when her relationships went bad; I would give her some suggerstion, and I would think why wouldn't she date me if we know so much about each other. My relationships would always fail, because my ex-girlfriends didn't like the fact we were close. Her relationships were filled with drama, and I'm still asking myself why are we doing this to ourselves. I loved her dearly, but she didn't show interest in me because she said she didn't want to mess up our friendship. Well, last summer she got pregnant by someone in New Orleans, and that person doesn't want anything to do with her and the child. While she was pregnant she began to tell me she had feelings for me, and that she wanted to start a relationship. My respond was, "well now that you are pregnant you want to be with me, you had six years!" During Christmas she sent me a present, it was a teddy bear that said hi it's ____Hi anthony you're my bestfriend, I love you and I always will. Also, she sent me a letter sealed with a kiss. At this time, I was confused about how felt about her because she was pregnant, and I was thinking she just want a man in her life now. So, I went back to school for the winter semester and we started to express our feeling for each other. She sent me a train ticket to see her on Valentine's Day. I didn't want to go because I was afraid of what was going to happen. Well a lot of things happen that shouldn't have, and I thought her pregnancy wasn't going to bother me if we were in a relationship. When I went back to school, I was weighing options and I decide to date another girl so that I can get out of my situation. At that time,I was talking to my friend and the other girl. I did that for a month with intentions of telling my friend that I was afraid of commiting to her especially since she has a baby; I was thinking that is a big step. Well during springbreak my girlfriend left and went home and my friend came to visit me at school. I told her what was going on. She immediately broke into tears, and I did also because I compromised my character. I was hurting; she asked me if I was going to tell my girlfriend, and I said no. Well, now our friendship is messed up, and I am no longer with my girlfriend. I couldn't love my girlfriend because I had feelings for my friend. My friend was everything I wanted in a female, and I lost her forever. She doesn't have any emotion for me at all anymore. We talk, but its like hi and bye. What she doesn't understand is she had eight years to try to be with me. I sacrificed being alone to get a opportunity to be with her, and she didn't realize that. Now that she is ready, I wasn't ready because she had a baby. Now she's dating a thug and stopping her MBA program etc. I will forever love her,but I have to get myself together first. Is this all my fault or is she part of the blame? Ladies I am open for suggestions.