*I got this article in an email and found it interesting, even dwelled on a few things that were said in tis article that can apply equally to Men and Women. Feel free to view and tell me what You think and how this relates to You now or in the past. Can anyone relate? I hear much about relationships from many different type sources, radio, t.v. movies, people, this site, celebrities, books etc.*
Article: Ever feel like you'd have less real
"connection" or intimacy with a man if you didn't
try so hard to keep your relationship "alive"?
And, that the man you're with might not even
notice, let alone know how to help you both grow
and change together when something is "off" in
your relationship?
Are men really so different that they don't
think about or notice problems in your
relationship?
Or is something worse going on here where a man
doesn't want the relationship to go anywhere and
has given up on it and you?
And...
Have you ever had the sudden realization that
if it wasn't for YOUR patience, caring and the
attention you pay to him and your relationship,
that you'd just be drifting apart from each other?
That you'd never grow closer... never get to
know each other on a deeper level... and never
become MORE COMMITTED if it wasn't for what YOU
insist on and struggle to create?
Do you ever wonder why it can seem like a man
just doesn't care about your relationship and
where it's headed... even though you know that
somewhere deep down he does love and care about
you?
Well, there's a reason why these things are so
common with men in relationships... and why they
can be so frustrating to deal with and get past as
a woman.
The truth is, if you're like most women who are
UNSUCCESSFUL in their long term relationships,
then your "approach" to your relationship often
depends on a man figuring out how to have a great
relationship FOR YOU.
You know, all that knight in shining armor
stuff where a man's love and unrelenting
commitment to you will make it all work out.
Good luck with that.
There's a better way...
If you've had a few relationships in the past,
then you've already learned that putting the fate
of your love life and relationship in the hands of
a man to save is NOT the perfect or ideal
situation.
You've figured out that if you're going to have
a REAL relationship, that a man isn't going to
have all the answers when things get difficult or
uncertain.
Don't wait for a man to figure out how love and
a relationship works.
And sure... a man has to do HIS part and learn
and grow too.
A man needs to know how to love and be loved
too.
But wouldn't it be great if you had the
CONFIDENCE that comes from KNOWING that you could
create what YOU WANT in your relationship?
What if you never had to wait for a man to
"figure it out" to have the love and connection
you want in your life?
It's likely that you've already got a head
start growing up as a woman... which is why it's
time to put your knowledge and intuition to good
use.
You're about to learn 3 of the most important
ways that men are different when it comes to
relationships... and what to do about it.
And, by the way, if you've got a man in your
life who knows how to keep you both close and
connected in your relationship at all times and
you KNOW it's going to LAST... then you don't need
to read this email.
Go enjoy your love life with confidence, and
give and share all of yourself freely.
But, if you aren't 100% CERTAIN that you're
going to be able to keep a loving relationship
with a man... and you've had problems with this in
the past... then it's time to recognize and learn
how to get past those UNCERTAIN and UNCOMMITTED
places with men and relationships.
Keep reading and you'll be on your way to
finding the confidence and understanding in your
relationship that only a deep, close, emotional
connection with a man can bring.
"GETTING CLEAR" ON WHAT'S GOING ON WITH MEN WHEN
THEY'RE DISTANT OR UNINVOLVED IN RELATIONSHIPS
Let me tell you a quick story...
A man and a woman meet and they have an AMAZING
connection from the start.
She quickly falls for him, as he does for her,
and they instantly grow close and start spending
almost all of their time together.
When they're apart, most of the time they're
thinking about one another.
A few weeks or months pass and things are going
great... but as it happens in life, a few
difficult situations come up in each others lives.
Stress and tension starts to build, and as more
issues and situations come up, the closeness,
affection anbd communication starts to change.
The woman begins to notice how the man has
changed and tries to talk to him to bridge the gap
and stay close.
But what used to work to bring them together
now only seems to make things worse as he pulls
away when she wants to talk.
And now she's getting worried.
She asks herself...
"Why is he acting this way?"
"What happened to what we had?"
"Did his feelings for me change?"
"Did I do something that pushed him away?"
And... "Why doesn't he seem to notice or care
and do anything about it!?"
The man just seems to want to pretend that
everything is fine and ignore what's happening.
When he does talk, he's short with his words
and unexpressive... not sharing his thoughts or
feelings about much at all.
He seems "detached" somehow.
And now she feels like if she didn't do
anything to keep the relationship going, that
they'd simply drift apart and he wouldn't do
anything about it or even really care.
Ok, end of story.
This story is basically a collection of common
situations and feelings that lots of women
experience.
Let's talk about it.
The things going on in the story bring up an
important idea - the ways in which men are
"naturally" different from women when it comes to
communicating and interacting in relationships.
And sure, men are the same in lots of ways.
They want love.
They want respect.
And they want to be heard.
But, men are also very different...
They're different in how they think.
They're different in how they feel.
They're different in their beliefs about what
makes for a "good relationship".
And, they're different in how they approach and
try to "resolve" relationship issues. (Sometimes
by not trying at all!)
If you want to learn about what's going on in
the UNCERTAIN situations with men... and how to
think and respond in POSITIVE, HEALTHY,
CONSTRUCTIVE ways for the sake of growing and
improving your long term relationship...
Then you need to take a deeper look at what men
are REALLY thinking and feeling.
You probably already know from experience that
men will often tell you one thing about how
they're thinking or feeling... but actually think
and feel another way.
Frustrating, right!?
And, you probably already know from experience
that becoming frustrated or overly "emotional"
with a man doesn't often get you very far in
becoming closer and growing together in your
relationship.
But, isn't it important to share and express
your true feelings in any "real" relationship?
Absolutely.
Which leads us to a frustrating PARADOX.
How do you stay "true" to your own feelings and
emotions... while ALSO communicating in a way that
keeps you close and avoids the common male
withdrawal response?
Part of the secret here is to communicate with
a man in a way that speaks HIS language and helps
him have a better understanding of YOU.
Some women end up analyzing themselves to death
over every little thing that happens... what it
means, what they should say, and how the guy is
going to respond.
The strange truth is that part of the problem
here IS analyzing things too much... so, when they
show up to talk to the man in their life, she
overwhelms him.
Give me a little nod if you've watched your
friends do this... or you can relate in your own
life.
It's time to stop worrying so much and start
doing things that WORK to create the love life you
know you can have.
It's time for it to finally be easy to
communicate and share love with the man in your
life in the long run.
It's time for CLARITY.
Let's talk about what's going on here and turn
what can seem impossible and complex into
something SIMPLE and CLEAR.
THE TRUTHS ABOUT HOW MEN ARE DIFFERENT - THAT ANY
WOMAN WHO WANTS A LASTING, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP
WITH A MAN NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT...
Before we get to some real in-depth specifics
about men and relationships here, there's
something important I want to share...
I have a good friend who has taught me more in
a few years than I would have learned living 20
years not knowing her.
She's one of the smartest and insightful people
I've ever met when it comes to her unique
understanding of HUMAN BEHAVIOR and PSYCHOLOGY...
and how it relates to building long term
relationships in all areas of life.
Including romantic relationships.
I've learned a lot of what I know, or been led
to, in one way or another, by her.
Anyway... many years back she shared something
with me. Something that has taken me years to
come to know and understand for myself.
(As you know, someone can tell you something
again and again ... but it can take you days,
months or even years to come to understand and
know what THEY mean by it. Or in other words, it
often takes more time that we expect or would like
it to, to raise our own level of CONSCIOUSNESS.)
Let me share what she said with you...
She said that when it comes to people and
relationships, there's a big secret EVERYONE uses
who are able to build and keep close, fulfilling,
trusting relationships in their lives through
thick and thin.
That secret is -
"First, seek to understand."
"Then, seek to be understood."
When I first heard this, it sounded like a
"new-agey" kind of thing.
I thought I "got" what this meant and what it
was all about.
My mind quickly went to thinking about how much
I already tried to understand others... and how
what came from this wasn't all it was cracked up
to be.
In my experience I had been a "giver", and I
often felt at the mercy of others because of it.
ESPECIALLY in relationships.
I bet you can relate.
So, the idea of becoming MORE UNDERSTANDING and
listening to others more, made me feel like things
would just be less satisfying and more difficult
in my relationships.
As much as I could see the benefit of listening
and understanding first, it just didn't seem to
work out so well in real life for me.
Actually... the people who were a bit more
"selfish" seemed to be the ones who more often got
what they wanted and had it easy in life.
The reality was that I wasn't able to see that
the world could work any differently from my
perspective at the time.
It was only after years or living, studying,
observing, learning from others and thinking
about my life and the relationships in it that I
started to see things differently.
And one day something "snapped" into place.
I had an AMAZING EXPERIENCE as I was going back
through an old journal of mine and came across
what my friend had said about seeking to
understand first.
I hadn't thought about this idea in a long
time... and it hit me in different way now that I
was in a different place in my life.
To make a long story short, once you start down
your own path of growth in your life and
relationships... you're going to find new meaning
and depth in things that didn't used to be so
significant.
And this means you're becoming more AWARE and
CONSCIOUS of the world around you - which is one
of the first steps to creating amazing and lasting
change.
Of course, I'm talking about life more in
general here... but the exact same principles
apply to men, dating and relationships.
And, by the way, if you're getting that anxious
or frustrated feeling right now where giving a man
more of your understanding is the last thing you
want to do... then I've got some unfortunate news
for you...
YOU are creating your very own RESISTANCE.
That's right.
YOU are adding to the distance and lack of
understanding that's taking place.
As much as a man might be wrong, acting distant
or unfair, or hurting your feelings... if YOU are
putting your energy into the negative patterns of
fear, or doing the all too common "demand and
withdraw" behaviors tons of women slip into in
these situations...
Then you're only adding to the problems and
creating more of the "disconnect" between you two.
Ok, so what can you do instead!?
Good question.
First, seek to understand.
So, let's get right to how this works.
Let's look at the ways men are different when
it comes to relationships, and learn to understand
more and put it to work for you...
I promise everything with a man will instantly
start to become clearer and easier once you do.
Difference #1: With A Man, Improving Your
Relationship Is Often As Easy As Improving "The
Now".
There's a kind of relationship "shortcut" some
women know about and others don't.
And women who know what it is and how it works
often have the men they're with feeling deeply
connected... and ASKING THEM to become more
committed... and share more love.
But there's a catch to this "trick".
YOU, as a woman, have to be in the right mental
and emotional state to make these kinds of
"breakthroughs" in your relationship and the way
that you interact with a man.
Why?
Because if you're not, you're going to do all
kinds of things to sabotage yourself and get in
the way of your own success here.
You'll start feeling needy or unappreciated and
want the man to take over and make things happen
for you.
Don't make this mistake and miss out on the
love and connection that's possible for you in
your relationship.
It's the place to start if you're serious about
success in your love life.
So, here's the shortcut you can use with any
man at almost anytime. (I've seen this work with
men who were so distant that I would have never
believed it if I hadn't seen it happen myself.)
When a man is acting distant with a woman in a
relationship, it's often because he's "off in his
head" thinking about something else he needs to do
or has to take care of.
And, in case you didn't know... for most men
it's so extremely important to be a strong
successful "provider" with a woman, that the
closer he is with a woman... the more his mind
will try and turn to the outside world, work, etc.
in order to make sure he can protect and provide
for a woman.
For most men, whether or not they are an
"attractive" person relies heavily on if he's
financially successful and has a high level of
"social status".
Of course, a man isn't often CONSCIOUS that
he's thinking or behaving this way.
These things are part of our "inner biology".
They are "wired" deep in our brains and affect
us on deep SUBCONSCIOUS levels.
So, why am I telling you all of this?
Because you can use it to your advantage and
move straight past the detached, withdrawn, work-
focused man.
You can learn how to "invite" a man into love
and affection with you.
And here is where the shortcut comes in.
See, as much as I hate to admit it, and you
might already know this about men... well, we can
be simple-minded.
If we have a woman that we are close with, like
a girlfriend, the reality is that she has the
power change our mood INSTANTLY.
Especially if she triggers the feeling of
ATTRACTION.
Let me explain how this works...
When a man is detached, unemotional, etc.,
often it's because his mind is focused on "things"
and not on people or relationships.
Things like sports, work, cars, or whatever
hobby a man happens to be into.
And, it's this "Focus" that often makes a man
seem withdrawn, disinterested or unattentive.
But, there IS something a woman can do to
easily get him out of this "Focus" mode to where a
man will be more present, "connected" and
emotionally responsive.
A woman can help a man move his thinking and
attention out of his "mind" and into his body.
(Don't worry, feelings and emotions will naturally
follow... and if this isn't making much sense
right now, it will in a second.)
It can start with a soft touch, a playful tap,
or even just a smile.
It doesn't take much, other than attention and
a little patience.
What's probably the easiest way to do this is
to do what men naturally do to get out of their
heads and into the present moment.
They become more physical.
Have you ever watched couples play-fight or
wrestle?
For lots of men this is the easiest way they
know to become close and connected with a woman...
as they aren't even conscious what they're doing.
They just naturally become more affectionate
and in-tune with a woman than they could have ever
figured out how to be trying to talk to a woman
about how this all works.
Of course, if you watch a woman do this with a
man and you don't know what she's up to... it can
look like she's just trying to get his attention
in a physical and s*xual way.
And some women do this too.
There
is more than one type of ATTRACTION a man can feel
and experience with a woman.
There's a type of attraction that goes BEYOND
PHYSICAL ATTRACTION and gets a man's attention on
an emotional and intellectual level.
This is the kind of attraction I'm talking
about creating with a man... where he will move
"out of his head" and become open and attentive in
the present moment with you.
Lots of women try to TALK with a man in order
to get him to be present, loving, affection, etc.
with them.
But often times, this completely BACKFIRES.
The reason why is because these women don't
know this "other" kind of attraction works for a
man.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that
attraction works the same way for you as it does
for a man...
Or that you can try and use Physical Attraction
with a man to get an EMOTIONAL response.
You need to learn how to get the EMOTIONAL
response from a man that you're looking for...
without demanding it of him in a way that will
only encourage him to WITHDRAW.
Inviting a man out of his Focus, or out of his
"head", is a simple first step.
Difference #2: Instead Of Discussing, Exploring
And FEELING The Problems In Your Relationship, A
Man Will Often Want To "Starve" Them... Or Try To
Give You The "Logical Solution" As His Way Of
Making Things Better
I've got to ask you something. Be honest when
you answer -
Do you think men, or more to the point, the men
you've dated in your life, enjoy talking about
their feelings and your relationship as much as
you do?
Or that they enjoy it much at all really?
I'm guessing the answer is, "No".
If so, then this is a vital piece of
information for you in your relationship.
But, what have you done with this knowledge?
Have you tried to MAKE A MAN better at talking
about his feelings in your relationship, and then
become frustrated and upset when it hasn't gone
the way you had hoped?
And, have you ever wanted to talk about
something important in your relationship with a
man, and brought it up... and then he gave you a
short "detached" answer... or he became angry with
you and started telling you what to do?
Is this really the best approach?
Think about this for a second...
What if, without knowing it, you've been asking
a man for the exact thing you DON'T want?
What if, accidentally, the way you were
communicating with him was telling him, in his own
"language", to STOP SHARING, to CLOSE OFF, and to
be LESS EXPRESSIVE?
Is this possible?
What if there was another way to be with a man
that would get you the result you wanted (him
opening up to you more) AND... it made everything
a whole lot easier for YOU?
Think about it for a minute.
How do men "typically" react when a woman comes
to them with intense emotions and feelings and
wants to talk about them?
One of two things usually happens.
1. He gives you a short answer that often seems
cold and uninterested. Kind of like he isn't
paying attention to you and your FEELINGS.
2. He gets anxious or irritated and instead of
responding with caring and understanding, he seems
angry. In effect, he starts telling you what to do
and to stop bothering him.
Both of these responses have something in
common.
Can you guess what it is?
They both show how men tend to want to remove
themselves from any situations they see or
experience as unnecessarily intense or
"emotional".
I'm not saying that this is a good thing or a
bad thing about men, by the way.
But, it is THE REALITY of how most men think
and behave.
Which leaves YOU with a choice.
You can either learn to work WITH the way
things are...
Or you can keep fighting AGAINST the way things
are and continue the negative, self-defeating
patterns in your love life.
And here's something else to think about -
Given the two different ways that men often
respond that I mentioned above...
Does a man reacting in one of these ways have
to mean that he doesn't care for a woman or her
feelings?
And, does a man reacting this way mean he
doesn't care about his relationship?
In a man's mind, the answer is NO.
But, what do lots of women do when they are
confronted with a man's anxious or irritated
response that comes from not knowing what to do
with a woman's feelings?
Instead of trying a different approach, they
simply take what is NOT working and dial up the
intensity about 20 notches...
Hello!
Duh! (A scientific term that means you're
acting like a jack-...)
Stop making your life so difficult for
yourself.
Becoming more intense and "emotionally
demanding" with others rarely builds strong
relationships or gets you what you want.
There is a way to communicate and move to a
more committed and "connected" place with a man
that does NOT involve asking him to do so, trying
to convince him to listen, or demanding that your
relationship grow.
If you've tried any of these things with a man,
then you know that they can just turn into an
uphill battle... and trigger the DISTANCE and
RESISTANCE you're trying to avoid.
These two differences I've shared with you here
are just the beginning.
If you want to learn what's at the foundation
of the differences, where they come from, and the
most important and CRITICAL difference you need to
know to move to a deeper level of connection and
COMMITMENT with a man, then it's time you checked
out my new CD/DVD series "From Casual To
Committed."
If you've ever wondered why a man says he wants
his "Freedom"...
And you know that he wants to love you and be
loved...
But he also wants to do things "on his own"
first, before he settles down...
Then this program is for you.
I go into depth about how these contradictions
are all part of a man's growth process, what they
mean, and exactly what to do as each one of these
comes up in your relationship.
Oh... and what if you had a "map" of how the
COMMITMENT PROCESS works for a man?
What if you knew what it was that would help a
man see and KNOW that your connection and what you
share is special enough to go deeper into and to
commit himself to on an emotional level.
It's not that most men aren't capable of a
deep, lasting, emotional commitment with a woman.
It's that they don't know how to get there on
their own... and most women don't know how to help
them in their relationship.
In fact, most women accidentally push a man
away from the things that will make him want to
discover his emotions, his feelings and the love
he can share with a woman all on his own - because
they try and take over and tell him how to do it
when things aren't working just right.
Now you can avoid all those mistakes and let a
man find his own way to where he'll be leading YOU
into a more deeply connected and fulfilling
relationship.
Part of the secret here, I explain and walk you
through an exercise to discover what a man's
"Love Preference" is.
Each person, including you, has their favorite
way to be complimented, pleased or appreciated.
And as you know, feeling honored, respected and
appreciated is important for BOTH people in any
long term relationship that is going to LAST.
You'll also learn why love, connection and
COMMITMENT can be such a CHALLENGE to a man... and
how to help him see things in a new way so he
isn't fearful or afraid of being in love and
staying with you.
*Of course this is not the ultimate answer, only God and the Bible is... But a thought provoking article*
Posted By: WILLIAM W. HEMMANS III
Thursday, July 13th 2006 at 2:32PM
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